Turtle Shells and Banana Peels
by the silence in between
Summary: The Core Four take a break and attempt to relax by playing Mario Kart. I'm sure you can imagine the rest, but why not come on in and relive your childhood anyway? Set during season one.


**Author's Note** — Many thanks to my roommate, Danielle, for inspiring and beta-ing this fic.

**Disclaimer — **_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ is the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox. _Mario Kart 64_ is the property of Nintendo. I make no claims to ownership and make no profit from this story. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental, because my roommate and I definitely do _not_ sit around playing N64 while we're supposed to be studying, and we don't scream and make obnoxious noises while (not) playing it, either.

* * *

"This is so cool!" Xander exclaimed, setting up the game. "I can't believe you have an N64!"

"Well, it's technically not mine," Buffy admitted, taking a seat on the floor between Xander and Willow. "My parents gave it to Dawn last Christmas."

"Children," Giles sighed with exasperation, glancing at his watch. "We stopped by Buffy's so that we could pick up a few supplies, _not_ so that you could indulge yourself in such mindless and juvenile pastimes as playing videogames."

Buffy pouted. "Come on, Giles! We've been researching this monster-of-the-week all day; we need a quick, _mindless _break!"

"Yes, well, what if your mother comes home?" Giles pointed out. "Won't she think it odd that your high school librarian is playing videogames with you and your friends?"

"Mom's at the dentist's office with Dawn," Buffy explained. "And if I know my sister and her hatred of having strangers stick their hands in her mouth, they'll be there for a while." She tugged on Giles's pant leg, forcing him to sit behind her and Willow, and shoved the gray controller into his hands. "You're player four."

Giles stared with a mixture of confusion and panic at the oddly-shaped piece of plastic in his hands. "How on earth does this thing work?" he asked, randomly pressing a few round buttons.

"The blue one is to accelerate," Willow explained helpfully. "The green one is the brake, the gray one underneath here is for using your weapon, and the joystick is for steering. Everything else is kind of superfluous for Mario Kart."

"It's not hard, Giles," Buffy sighed. "Dawn kicks butt at this game, and she's _ten_. Now come on, pick a character! I call Princess Peach."

Giles squinted at the screen and gingerly tested out his joystick. "I suppose I'll be this fellow," he said hesitantly. "He looks large and... ferocious."

"Ah, Bowser, King of the Koopas," Xander pontificated. "An excellent choice. I, on the other hand, will choose DK, the super-strong, 800-pound gorilla."

"Yes, because physical strength is the most important thing to have in a go-cart race," Buffy snarked.

Willow, meanwhile, wore a mildly horrified look on her face. "Oh, don't be DK! Monkeys and apes are so mean and creepy, with their high-pitched screams and grabby hands!"

"Plus, that tie? Not a good look," Buffy added.

Xander lifted his hands into the air in a gesture of silence. "Okay, okay, you guys pick who you want to be, and _I'll_ pick who _I_ want to be," he retorted, checking the screen to see who Willow had picked, "_Toad_."

Willow gasped. "Don't insult Toad! He's so cute! Look at his little mushroom hat!"

"Guys, come on!" Buffy interrupted. "We have to pick a level. Ooh, penguins!"

"Wait!" Giles cried, helplessly staring at his controller. "Which one is the accelerator again?"

"The blue one," Xander shouted over his shoulder. He turned back to the screen, where the race was preparing to begin. "Get ready!"

All four smashed their fingers into the blue button. "Yes!" Willow cried as Toad zoomed forward past the other three characters. "I got the boost!"

"How do you... blast!" Giles exclaimed as Bowser crashed into an abnormally large penguin, which sent him careening off the edge of the iceberg and into the frozen water.

Xander laughed. "That sucks... argh!" he cried. "Who put that fake question mark in front of the real question marks?" he angrily inquired.

Buffy smirked. "It wasn't... oh no, bomb!" She swerved to miss the bomb, instead bouncing off of another penguin and into one of Toad's turtle shells. "Stupid penguins," she pouted. The penguin made an annoying wailing noise in response. "You're supposed to be cute and little, not huge and steroid-y."

"Speed up, damn you!" Giles demanded a newly de-thawed Bowser, ignoring Buffy's distress. Noticing how much more easily Peach was able to accelerate following her penguin mishap, he groused, "Why is it that Buffy's will accelerate and mind won't?"

"It's because you're a fatty," Xander explained, maneuvering around Toad and the two green turtle shells revolving around him.

Giles sputtered indignantly. "I beg your pardon?"

"Not you, Bowser. He and DK are heavyweights, so they can knock around lightweights, like Peach and Toad, but they also have crap acceleration."

"See, Giles?" Buffy snarked. "I told you that you shouldn't have eaten all of those biscuits this morning."

"They were _not _biscuits, they were _scones_, and I hadn't had any breakfast yet!" Giles huffed. "And Xander, that is patently unfair. Look at the rest of you, getting useful weapons like turtle shells. What good will this stupid star do me?"

"Giles, a star makes you invincible." Buffy rolled her eyes, narrowly avoiding the banana peel that Willow had just released.

"Oh." Giles fumbled with the controller, finally hitting Z. Bowser began to flash with multiple colors and sped up, eventually plowing into DK and sending the gorilla flying into the water. "Oh, excellent!"

Xander turned his head to stare at Giles. "Not cool, Giles. Not cool."

"Noooooo, penguin!" Willow wailed as Toad rounded the corner and ran smack into one of the blubbery creatures. The force sent him spinning off of the edge. "Damn it all to hell!" she exclaimed.

Xander's eyebrows shot up. "Language, Willow!" he admonished as he passed her. "Damn it, Buffy, you stole my question mark!"

Behind them, Toad ran through a question mark. "Come on, come on!" Willow coaxed. "Yes! Blue turtle shell!"

Buffy looked at the corner of her screen and saw the "1st" designator. She quickly hit the brake, allowing DK to pass her. Shortly thereafter, the spiky blue turtle shell crashed into the back of DK's go-cart, sending him tumbling into the icy waters.

"Yeah! Ha ha ha ha!" Toad chuckled as he passed the spot where DK lay submerged. Xander looked incredulously between Buffy and Willow, who just smirked to themselves.

"Oh, yeah?" he challenged as Lakitu fished the block of frozen DK from the water. "Well, two can play at that game." Once free, he sped up and ran through a question mark, which gave him three red turtle shells. Once Toad was in sight, he launched all three at Willow's character.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Toad wailed as he flew through the air and crashed into the ice.

"Ha!" Xander shouted. "Eat that, mushroom boy!"

Willow just looked at Xander with a half-horrified, half-wounded expression on her face. After a moment, Xander lowered his head in shame.

"I know, I know," he moaned. "I'm a bad, bad man."

"What does this lightning bolt thing do?" Giles asked, oblivious to the bickering going on around him.

"Don't—" the three teens shouted simultaneously as Giles hit Z. On the screen, Peach, Toad, and DK all spun out of control as they slowly shrank; DK, who was already perilously close to the edge, slid right off.

"Giles!" Xander exclaimed. "Look what you made me do!"

"So sorry," he mumbled in reply, trying and failing to avoid another penguin. "Curse these blasted, infernal creatures! They're a menace, I tell you!"

"They're as bad as vampires!" Buffy exclaimed mockingly. She gasped as she saw a still-shrunken Toad coming toward an equally small Peach. "Willow, no!"

It was too late; Peach and Toad collided, causing the two characters to flatten like pancakes and slowly float back down to the track. "Don't yell at me!" Willow cried. "You're the one who swerved into me!"

Buffy's mouth dropped open. "I _so_ did not! I was going in a straight line!

"Well, so was I!"

"Last lap!" Xander exclaimed as he sped past his two immobile competitors. "Come on, DK! Don't let me down!"

Giles squinted at the item box in the upper-left-hand corner of his portion of the television and grinned. "Oh, look, another star! How lovely!"

"_How_ do you keep getting all of this stuff?" Xander cried as he maniacally swerved to avoid Bowser. Giles, with his erratic driving, still managed to hit DK; his star disappeared the instant before the collision, but DK still went flying. "What?" Xander roared. "I don't believe this! What, did you still have star residue or something? Ridiculous."

Toad and Peach, meanwhile, had regained their normal size and sped past DK. Willow turned to Xander. "Weren't you saying earlier that you were the best at this game?"

Xander bit his lip in concentration as he passed Peach and caught up to Toad. "I'm not out of the race yet," he declared. He began to ram the back of Toad's go-cart, attempting to cause Willow's much lighter character to spin out.

"Bad idea," Willow said, pressing Z. The newly released fake question mark hit DK immediately, causing him to explode.

Xander groaned. "Crap!" He was just starting to move again when a star-bearing Peach barreled into him.

"Sorry, Xand!" Buffy called. "I didn't see you there, honest!"

"Yeah, sure," he muttered underneath his breath.

On the screen, Peach caught up to Toad. The finish line was in sight. Buffy hit Z and gasped. "Oh god, I don't have an item! I feel so naked," she grumbled.

Willow snickered. "Sorry, Buff," she said, launching her remaining red turtle shell. Instead of hitting Peach as expected, though, it crashed into Toad. "What!" Willow exclaimed. "That's... that's... that's so _unfair_! They're not supposed to do that!"

"Yes!" Buffy cried as she crossed the finish line! "I w— wait, why does it say 2nd?"

"I think there's something wrong with this thing," Giles said with exasperation, fumbling with his controller. "My avatar isn't responding to my controller anymore."

Buffy stared at the screen with disbelief. "Giles," she began, pointing at the '1st' prominently displayed beneath Bowser. "You _won_."

Giles looked up with surprise. "Really?" he asked. "Oh. How good for me!" he smiled, clearly pleased with himself.

Xander threw his controller to the ground, having finally crossed the finish line in fourth place. "This game sucks," he declared, crossing his arms across his chest. "Can we go research demons now?"


End file.
